i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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