i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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