So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
