I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
