hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
