i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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