I accidentally burped into my bong.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
