I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it's like iHOP with fire
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
