Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
