I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We're too hungover to prance.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
