you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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