guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
