that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
