Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
