Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
