Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
