Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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