I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
