I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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