No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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