somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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