I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
