Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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