the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
