apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
