Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
