I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
