you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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