I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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