The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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