Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
