I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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