My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
