Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
