Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is Oprah even human
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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