apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
