I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
