I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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