Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
