I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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