never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
