I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My ass is underappreciated
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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