No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
