There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
