Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
