Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
