I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
