so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
