the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
