So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
