it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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